i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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