I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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