Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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