I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
