I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
