i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
