I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
