Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
