You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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