I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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