What a fucking waste of an outfit
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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