just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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