They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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