how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
