He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
