I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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