Grow some girl-balls and come out already
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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