John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
