dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
