My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I deserve this hangover.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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