wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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