I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
