im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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