i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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