yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
