I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
