I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
