I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
