But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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