So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
