Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
