my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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