I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
