I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
