when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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