If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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