Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
