the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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