last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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