okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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