Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
