thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
