She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
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She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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