There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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