3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
