Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
