I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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