Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
