there's paper in my vomit.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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