Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
