So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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