So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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